No one ever suspected that I wanted it all to end. I had everybody fooled. Not even the closest people to me, my boyfriend Chad or my lover Sincere knew that this was it.
Did you ever love me? Do you even love yourself? What do I need to do to make you happy?
Those questions haunt me. I would hear those words from each of them before I kicked them out, cursed them, and slammed the door in their faces. On to the next was how I went through life. Nothing ever really satisfied me. I never stayed interested in one thing for too long, and that uneasiness manifested in every aspect of my life. I can’t remember the last time I was single. I always had someone fighting for my affection. I knew that I had something that other girls didn’t and I took full advantage of that. I had that effect on people and I don’t know why many of the men I dated stuck around when I never open up completely to them. I told them that I was trouble. They would just laugh. You see on the outside I appeared to be well put together, but on the inside I was falling apart. My life was far from a rosy existence. I wasn’t what I seemed to be, but nothing really is. No one could ever give me what I yearned so desperately for and they all learned that the hard way.
What will it take for me to be happy? I ask myself this every day and I obsess over trying to find an answer. I dream about the wondrous things tomorrow promises to bring and when I awake, I awaken to the same bullshit from the day before.
The first man that I convinced myself that I genuinely loved was Chad. When we met at a restaurant I was out on a date, yes with someone else. I excused myself from the table to use the restroom and there he was leaving the men’s room. He wasn’t my type but he approached me with such confidence, so I gave him my number. He courted me for months and after all the gifts, the money, and a whole lot of other stuff he spoiled me with; I gave in and became his woman. I loved him. At least I thought I did. Honestly and truly I loved how he took care of me. It was so hard for me to be faithful to him. He like all the rest was so proud to have such a beauty on his arm. He loved to show me off. His boys were so envious of him, because all his friends chicks were basic; but his woman was far from ordinary. He bragged about my intelligence, my coke bottle shape, and how I had a good head on my shoulders. He knew that I was the best woman he ever had and he was doing everything in his power to try to make me happy and to fulfill my growing emptiness. Time went by, five years to be exact; I stayed with him mostly for stability. Chad grew very insecure throughout the years, but I couldn’t fault him for that, he had every reason to be.
He was so scared that someone else was going to take me from him. He would often cry and beg me not to leave; so I stayed. I was searching for something that no one could give me. Chad thought he knew me, although he should’ve known by now that you can never really know a person. No combination of anti-depressants, anxiety and sleeping pills, could make me better. As a child I found a way to transfer the pain in my heart with the pleasure from a knife penetrating through my flesh and so that continued on through my adult years.
I bet Chad never told his friends that. I bet he never told them about the times I didn’t leave the house for days because I was so depressed, or how I become so paranoid about everything that I would hit myself, scream and rip everything apart. He put up with all my craziness and mood swings; just like all my past lovers did. They all tried to be my savior, but they all failed, so I dismissed them out of my life.
“I fucking hate you, get out my house”.
“You fucking hate yourself; you don’t know what you want. You complain about how you don’t want to be with Chad anymore, but your still there. After everything I been through with you and you treat me like this?”
“Fuck You Sincere and didn’t I say get out, I’m done with you, I don’t want you anymore” .
“Really, you don’t want me anymore. After I stayed with you, while you’ve been with him and you don’t want me”, you are crazy!
That was our last conversation a month ago. I miss him. Sincere gave me a reason to live. Being around him gave me life. There were many others before them but doing my relationships with Chad and Sincere, I stayed true to them. Those two really cared about me. They wanted me to get better and they wanted me for more than just arm candy.
Sincere was a serial dater like me. He was hungry for love & happiness like me. He was searching for something he couldn’t find just like me. He wanted me and I obliged.
Now Sincere was my type. We had an instant connection. Our chemistry was powerful. The sex was amazing. He fucked me better than any other man did. I loved pulling on his long hair. He changed many things about himself because I wanted it. I was his only lover, but he put up with me having two, because that’s what I wanted. I always got what I wanted. I never wanted to let him go but when he decided to start seeing other people besides me, I couldn’t handle it. I suppose to be the only one. I couldn’t imagine anyone touching him, kissing him, he was supposed to be all mine.
“You are not being fair, you want me all to yourself, but you have me and him. I’m tired of going home to an empty bed. If you were me what would you do?”
“I would shut up and deal with it because I care about you”.
“If you really cared about me, you would leave him and be with me”
I did care for Sincere. I actually loved him, but I never showed it. I regret that. He was there for me doing all my mental breakdowns.
Chad assumed I found someone else, but he never brought it up until now.
“Did you have fun out on your date? I guess he treats you better than I can”.
Yea that’s what he would say when I would come in from a long night with Sincere.
Things were good between me and Chad for a while after things fell through with Sincere. Me and him still talked on the phone often but we were over, at least for the moment. No one can stay away from me for too long. Chad saw a good change in me. I was going to counseling. I was prescribed a higher dosage of meds and I was giving him all of me for the first time, but I still longed for something else. Believe me I really did try my best to be faithful to him. Until one of my ex-boyfriends named Angel soon surfaced back into my life. I mean they all come back eventually. With him he brought some excitement. Now don’t get me wrong being around Sincere gave me life but with Angel I lived life, also hanging out with him will help pass some time until Sincere decides to commit to my situation again or until I meet someone new.
With Angel I didn’t get everything I wanted, however I got everything I needed. He was a challenge. I didn’t like that though. He was very mysterious. Even though I knew him for years, I still didn’t really know him. He has been attached to me like a leach ever since the first time we had sex. We had so much fun together in and out of bed. He loved when I would talk dirty.
I told him to “get on his knees and beg for this pussy”, he laughed.
“You get down and beg for this dick and I want you to crawl up on me slowly and sit on it”, and so I did.
“Now go back down and suck it”.
That night we fucked each other’s brains out.
Being with Angel was the closest to heaven I’ll ever get.
He expressed how he loved me; I didn’t want to ruin the mood so I told him that I loved him too. That was the last time he heard from me.
On my way home, I decided to call Sincere he didn’t answer, so I left a message and told him how much I missed him and that he means everything to me and I needed to talk to him as soon as possible. I never got the chance.
Chad tried to make love to me that night but I rejected him. Everything about him turned me off. He let himself go; he could never could get me wet, thank GOD for KY jelly.
Sometimes when he was on top of me, I covered my face with the pillow, to mask the disgust on my face. He tried so hard to please me as he thrust his small penis back and forth inside me. He would do it harder and harder I guess to prove to himself that he was actually doing me good.
Chad was a good man to me but I wasn’t the woman for him. At this point I wasn’t the woman for no one.
The morning after Chad left for work. I was in a deep depression. I wanted nothing more but to be free from everything. Pure ecstasy filled my body as I cut on my arms & then my wrist. I just sit there and let the blood drip from my freshly open cuts onto the sheets. I was done with everything and everyone. I screamed and shouted “why won’t you just die, I fucking hate my life. Just die. GOD please just let me die”. I reached for my cellphone and called Chad, because I must admit he was always there for me even though he didn’t understand me. He was busy at work and told me to calm down and that he loves me and will call right back. I managed to get out of bed. I was losing a lot of blood. As I stumbled to the closet, I was able to reach up on the shelf to retrieve Chad’s box containing his gun. Death wanted me and I knew it was my time.
People always say life is precious and that I had a lot to live for, but how can someone truly appreciate life if they can’t understand that some people choose to reject it. I stumbled into the bathroom. Looked into the mirror at myself & finally saw me for what I really was.
I waved the gun frantically in the air, crying and shouting “is this what you want, will this finally make you happy” and I placed it between my lips and pulled the trigger.
Times Up!
Author: Kendra R.
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